He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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