I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
