Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
