Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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