I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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