Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
