my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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