Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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