Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
