walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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