not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
