i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
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