Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
