so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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