My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
