Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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