I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
