I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
