A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
