yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
