I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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