I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
