the condom got lost in my hair
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
