Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
