My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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