So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
