I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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