I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the day after is always just damage control
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Randomize
