she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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