Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
