if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
