No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
