The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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