I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize