"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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