Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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