i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
