why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
