I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
