Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
