if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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