; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
