home. puking in laundry basket.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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