Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize