Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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