I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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