Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
