That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
