It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
