A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
