I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
