sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
