my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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