If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize