So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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