You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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