So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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