I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
