My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
