the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Two words: nipple clamps
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